I'm so fucking centered right now
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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