We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
