you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
