got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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