Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
