i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
