Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
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I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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