I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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