dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
