Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
