connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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