Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
