I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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