oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
