i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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