dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
