I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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