oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
