I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
