I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
