i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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