I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
