oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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