Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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