he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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