im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
