Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
