he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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