Im at strip club and am horny
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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