My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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