she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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