we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
