Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Bring me that man meat
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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