Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
