i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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