I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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