the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
