call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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