just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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