Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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