The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
