i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
