I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
