the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
