and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
