I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
