Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
