I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
