You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
