I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
