THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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