Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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