My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
if only i could text you this smell
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I touched a dick in church today
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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