Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
