Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
