"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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