He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
